Ok everyone. Get out your vampire checklists.

Tuesday, January 14th, 2003 | General

A group of angry Malawians seem to be convinced their government is in cahoots with the undead. Apparently they’re also attacking people they suspect of being vampires.

Attention, angry mob. Here are some simple ways to determine if the person you’re about to stone is really a vampire:
1) Do you see them in daylight? If so, not a vampire.
2) Are they burned by holy water? If so, vampire.
3) What about a pulse? Do they have one? If not, are they still up and walking around? If so, probably a vampire, but remember to check thoroughly for this one.
4) Pointy teeth? No, like really pointy teeth? You know, like a wolf. Yes? Maybe a vampire. (Note: could also be a goth who’s just lost his mind and filed his teeth down.)

Sigh. It’s just not that tough, people. Watch more Buffy. You’ll learn.

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